A warm saturday eve...

I was about to begin and I realize I was just going to re-iterate May 20th...

My husband's family is crazy - I love them, but the DRAMA - wow.

Older bro is here tonight, hails from BC, in town for weekends over a few months. Youngest and eldest are arguing about middle...he's lost for the time being, not returning calls, not really connecting with any of them...some are angry, others are more patient and allowing him space. Funny how we are quick to judge in others the same things we have already worked out for ourselves.

I can see both perspectives but really, we don;t choose our family, but we can choose to be blessed or cursed.

My job rocks

Really, what other job would consist of hanging out with some of the most unexpected and coolest folks who live in our town? Wine at the Hacienda Sarria, not a real hardship. A fabulous venue, an even more fabulous host who is so down-to-earth and unassuming - it kills me. More people should be as relaxed. It would do them good. Perhaps they are just waiting to be looked after by one of our fabulous cardiologists who spoke this evening.

Hopefully Sleep

I'm exhausted, and it was only a 4 day week! It's been too hot to sleep comfortably, though it's finally cooled off this evening. I have to get up and golf tomorrow, I really hope I do just slightly better than my first 2 attempts out this year. My hubby's gone to the cottage with his brother so some peace and quiet might be in order. I would look forward to playing in the garden when I finally have time on Sunday, too bad they are calling for thundershowers. 'Night.

Sobriety offers a strange perspective

My husband's family is crazy - I love them, but the DRAMA - wow. Keeps life interesting. I can hear 3 of them playing poker, 2 went home in a huff over who knows what, and won't remember tomorrow. Life is too short for all this silly-ness, or is this what keeps us young?

treasure

http://www.tchevalier.com/unicorn/index.html

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Lady_and_the_Unicorn

I would post a picture here of the great framed prints of the Lady and the Unicorn I picked up at a garage sale this weekend, but this damn computer shuts me out of explorer every time I try this evening.
Yes, crazy I realize, getting up at 6 am on a Sat to go sift though junk and treasure, be this time is was very worthwhile. Some bombay tables, some curtains the colour of my kitchen, still in packaging, a fake plant for the wicker set I have on my porch, a lime pashmina...things i would have actually paid good money for. Strange how you are motivated to get out of bed when the reason doesn't involve work. I actually like my work, but usually I figure it can wait for me to have a coffee first.

It's cottage season

Off we go to the north...my parents have suggested we should 'learn' how to open the cottage for the season, in case they are travelling another year, or something. I don't want to think about them not being around or capable of things they have always done, but I suppose I had better prepare myself for the possibility. Every day I interact with many who are much younger and less mobile, it is a real eye-opener and sad.
Anyway, finally glad that the summer, or hints of it, are upon us.
Cheers! Go mix that margharita and locate some firewood...

Distance really sucks

Just had a deep conversation with my new sister in law, her and my eldest bro-in-law live in Northern BC with my one year old niece. It's really not fair, one of my most kindred spirits so far away - neither one of us ready to leave our home provinces behind. Neither one making the kind of money (as a family) that can manage to visit often... we are lucky if we can see each other once a year. It's really too bad. But maybe it would just be too hard on me to see so much of my adorable neice...I am really jealous, is that so horrible. There are just days that I presume it will never happen, and if it does it will be so riddled with problems that I wish it didn't - what if my potential child had my husband's seizures - could I really watch it go through that?

How much is too much

Another week done, another dollar earned...or more than a few if you are in my line of work.
As I sit here, sipping a glass or 2 or more of Aussie red, one must wonder how we get so damned hypocritical. I was riding my hubby tonight about the amount of whisky he sometimes consumes, reasoning with him to leave some for all the other thirsty people and slow down a bit... but its a bit of a lost cause. Someone who grew up in basically a dry household has a much different concept of what is acceptable than someone surrounded by heavy drinkers.

the battle continues ;)

Fall down, go boom

My husband experienced another seizure on Tuesday, he went down just as he entered a bank in Windsor. I had spoken to him only 45 mins prior and he seemed perfectly fine. His long lost brother was the one to call me to say that he was taken to the hospital. The news that he was taken by ambulance is no longer the alarming part - it is what might come next that scares the daylights out of me. Thank goodness this time he was not injured, beyond some very sore muscles and a headache. He's been very lucky so far that each time he is either sleeping or standing in an open area. His last episode was in Jan, 3-4 months ago. They have done all the tests and tell him he is perfectly fine, just a little dehydrated. Whatever. When I get dehydrated, I get thirsty, I don't have a grand mal seizure...

So I learned that Windsor is an awful long way to drive, especailly a round trip. I had to take someone with me to pick up Dan and his vehicle.

Long lost uncle

I had the strangest dream last night...I received a handwritten card in the mail, addressed to me from a european address. Inside, the card read "Cher Suzan, please join us in celebrating my 80th birthday...Uncle Joe" Included was a boarding pass and cabin number for a cruise leaving from France(?) in 2 months time. Instructions indicated that all cruise expenses were covered by Joe except airfare. WOW! But of course, I don't have an uncle Joe. Do I go anyway and pose and the north american relative, the card was addressed to me in eighty-year old cursive... what would you do?

Too bad it was only a dream...

Waiting on spring

New dusting of snow this morning, I am really getting impatient. Just to be outdoors would be nice. I am feeling lazy and cooped up.

Playing favourites

Ever covet something so much because you can't have it....only to find that eventually when you do it does not live up to your expectations? (and I'm not talking about men :)

This happened to me over something very trivial - my favourite beer, or so I thought.

Caffrey's used to be my beer of choice, hands down over all others. It was tasty and smooth, low carbonation and just plain delicious. I can't stand watery fizzy lagers with no flavour. Anyway, a few months ago I noticed that shelves all over the tricities were void of Caffreys - I feared the worst after they discontinued my favourite brand of Rum last year - Whalers Vanilla - but whew - turns out there was simply a shortage of product being imported from Ireland, so eventually, just after Paddys Day there appeared my beloved Caffreys and it found it's way home with me.

Now, in the mean time during this unexpected dry spell, i have to admit I was cheating - trying desparately to find a suitable and equally enjoyable replacement. One of my old favourites is Amsterdam Nut Brown Ale, but I also found a couple of new favourites: Hockley Valley Dark and Millhouse Coffee Porter (though you can't drink too many, they are great with dessert).

To my surprise, compared to these other brands, I was quite disappointed when I tasted Caffreys again. Could it be that my palatte is changing? That it is becoming apparent that darker is better (again, talking about beer here!). We'll have to see. Kinda like the day I decided that hands down a red wine was much better that white and that rosé was sort of like koolaid.

This may be a long process to determine, since I really only drink a few beers a week. I'll let you know how it comes along.

What I am really waiting for is Creemore Springs to bring thier dark blend to the stores, we tasted this in toronto and loved it.

Do you ever lose your touch?

Experienced quite a vivid dream last night - it involved the restaurant/bar I used to run though of course like most dreams the location didn't look recognizable, but I knew that's what it was supposed to be. A couple of rocker hooligans were the owners and the place was a disgusting mess. I think my friend k was on staff there and complaining that they were so far removed from knowing how to run the place (sound familiar) I remember trying to offer these dudes some tips that would at least retain or attract thier female crowd (clean bathrooms and floors that aren't sticky) and where you have females you will have males. They were more concerned with giving impromptu rock performances and giving away booze -crazy. At one point I felt so bad for the over worked staff I started clearing tables. Someone turned to me as I reached for multiple beer bottles with one hand and said "so you think you can still do that,eh?" I don't think you ever lose the ability to multitask and make fewer trips - it's just a service thing.

It's all about the fresh fried Perch and Vereneki....

SMORG ~ Saturday, April 14, 2007 4:00–8:00p.m. Join us at Grace Mennonite Church in St. Catharines for our Grand SMORG Finale to celebrate 32 years of this successful fundraising event. GREAT FOOD, GREAT FELLOWSHIP. All monies raised will benefit Silver Lake Mennonite Camp.

(I spent 12 years at this great place for kids)

Grace Mennonite Church677 Niagara St, St. Catharines, ON L2M 3R4Tickets: $30 (per person), $60 (per couple), $75 (per family) available on location.Tax deductable receipts will be issued for a portion of the ticket price (minus $5/person for the meal)

Fundraiser for a great kid

Family and friends of a KCA family (Bloomingdale ON) are hosting a special fundraiser at Koinonia on Sat April 14th in support of Jeramee’s Journey. Jeramee Snethlage and his family are in need of wheelchair accessibility for their van. Four year old Jeramee has severe neuropathy and cannot walk. Help Jeramee and his family travel together.
You are invited to come out & support this day by enjoying one of several Professional Spa Services offered. The day is called "Pampering with a Purpose".

Details on the event and more info about Jeramee can be found at:
http://www.jerameesjourney.ca/events/index.html

The flyer for the event is uploaded at:
http://teacherweb.com/ON/KCA/Principal/Pamperingwithpurpose.pdf

The boundaries of friendship and forgiveness

I dreamed last night of a person who has not been in our lives for about a year now. A friend of my husband's showed up out of the blue after a few years of no contact and came a fairly permanent feature for a few months. He even brought his girlfriend to town and eventually moved into our neighbour's basement apartment when his other option fell through. We vouched for him - having known him for over a decade, besides, the guy is smart and well educated with a few years more experience than us.

Things were a little tense with our neighbour from the beginning - soon after moving into the apartment with thier big dog, they adopted several ferel cats. They certainly were not tidy folks and they started getting behind on payment. We saw less of them, they seemed to be busy working and such.

One day they up and disappeared. We heard that his mother suffered a sudden heart attack in London. Strange thing was, they both went and took all the animals with them. Never to be seen again. Our neighbour as thier landlord tried to contact them for what they owed and to come retrieve thier personal things. Any successful contact soon evaporated. I can understand if they didn't have the $ or were greiving, but she is a reasonable, compassionate individual (a nurse) and I know if they had the desire they could have come to an agreement.

Weeks passed and my husband was unable to let go of the hopes that his friend would somehow resurface. He bagged up thier clothing and computer and all of it is in our attic. Waiting. Still. He spent a whole day hauling the filth that was the way they left the place out to the curb, and our neighbour had already spent a lot of time cleaning when they first left. I felt awful, and so angry. What kind of person does this - puts a friend in this postition who had saved thier ass from sleeping on the street? What kind of person is so transient that they walk away from all thier belongings just to avoid conflict? Only divorces seem to warrant this kind of behaviour!

We have never heard from him since. The kicker of the story is that a few months later another friend of my husbands, a bachelor who had walked away from his own apartment in a similar fashion and was living on our couch, moved into my neighbour's same apartment. This time she offered and I washed my hands of all consequence. I was elated to have this guy on someone's couch that wasn't mine and he did have a good job, but he had been staying under false pretenses (at least to me) that our house was only a temporary arrangement -meanwhile he had no place else to go. Anyway I think it has worked out okay, my neighbour has a handyman whenever she needs one.

It's hard to imagine not having any family to go to when in need - I guess I am fortunate. At the same time you would think the value of a good friend would motivate you to act in such a way not to damage the relationship entirely. I am sure that someday he will show up again, and after a few beers it will all be water under the bridge- unless my neighbour catches wind of them.

This post was prompted by a dream I had last night - we had been invited to thier party?stag? and I popped in to say that my husband wasn't likely to come after all that had gone down. They were tearful and apologetic citing $ and grief and other issues. I was angry and I all but yelled at them - all the while thinking, how far can I go and does it matter? I think we all ended up having dinner in the end.

The Cook's Garden edited by Liz Primeau

This beautifully photographed book features 100+ recipes for cooking what you grow in your home garden. Divided into seasons to showcase optimal taste, it also contains expert growing advice from Canadian Gardening Magazine. For a refreshing spring treat, please try the Rhubarb & Ginger Cordial on page 34. Softcover, 215 pp. $29.95. I bought mine from Amazon.com

Murphy's Law

Took my new car in for its first service today. The CD player in it hasn't worked since the day it arrived - so I thought - I must have tried 10 different CDs over several days and kept getting "load error". I gave up.
Of course I take it in today and the guy successfully loads and plays the very first CD he picks from my case. ARRRRWWWWWGHHHHHHHH!
--------------------------------------------------------
Someone I know just announced thier "news" today about thier own little miracle. I was surprised that I actually felt so much genuine excitment for them, at least for a few seconds before the self pity crept under my skin slowly. It is not thier first child, though they have lost a little soul in attempts of this one. I suppose someday when I am on my second or third I will be judged the same way by others who are still without. It's tough - there's always someone on either end of the spectrum. Good news is that we've had some fun "practicing" lately and with the warm weather I am apprecaiting the time to putter outdoors and have a drink in hand while relaxing on the deck. There are worse things. :)

Eulogy: Revealing of a Living Soul

It's really quite unfortunate that you have to attend one's funeral to truly gain insight into a person's life on earth. Mostly for those who would be termed peripheral friends - you have contact with them infrequently over several years, always respecting them and knowing that they have impacted many others but when it comes right down to it your paths never cross for long enough for you to truly get to know one another.

Such was the case for a gentleman who's funeral I attended today. A pillar to his children, grandchildren and church community. Someone with wit, patience, drive and who loved camping trips. A long life, 78, and a short battle with cancer, but someone I volunteered with for about 18 months and never had the chance to have a meaningful conversation with. I only knew him 'well' through hearing how his actions impacted others. A beautiful funeral, if there is one, pack to the brim with friends and such - he helped to build the very church his service was in with his bare hands. Leaves a wife of 53 years whom seemed to be his best friend. Flute, piano, trumpet, choir and his son (prerecorded) singing. Very moving. Makes things that we do each day seem trivial and somehow more important, all at the same time.

This one's for you, D. M.

Poked and prodded

Done the last of the tests (for me) to discover if my body is "miracle receptive" - I find out the results next month. Very strange experience, a vibrator-like object inserted that takes pictures (kinda cool). I have been told I have 'great looking tubes', have to say that is definately a first since I don't normally hang out in the x-ray room. The finally step is to have my hubby do his part in all this testing -I offerred to help ;) if that makes it less wierd. The fact that it needs to occur on a weekday is a bit of a glitch, most people actually work. I don't know what you would really tell your boss...perhaps a personal day?!?

I started growing seeds indoors again this year, a big commitment, I know. And not like I have oodles of space to plant my wares - I suppose some of the vegetables may have to overtake the flowerbeds this time. I hope to have learned something about calculating and planning since last time... I actually got out the calendar and mapped out my 'days to maturity' and when to plant outdoors in cycles, etc. Rigged up some flourescent lighting to my mini greenhouse - on a timer even! I really want to prove that you can get hardy plants from a fairly amatuer process. I have geraniums, eggplant and impatiens that have all spouted so far. Too bad that is the easy part.

Sisterly Conversation

Funny how a conversation on summer vacation quickly moves into a religious discussion about the Catholic belief about not re-marrying after a divorce.

My three sisters and I spent the weekend at a cottage near Lakefield, ON as we have tried to do each year for the last 4 (except last year due to one of us having surgery). An interesting mix of life stages, I am the youngest at 31 and the eldest is 51. Three married, one divorced - Two Mennonite faith, one similar from a unique church and one Catholic. Two with children, Two without. Quite a collection of opinions all raised under the same roof.

I am quite disillusioned about the whole Catholic idea about an annulled marriage. The way my sister explained it to me was a viable option to anyone who felt they were wed under false assumptions (usually in cases where the other person is still married to someone else, where abuse occurs, or the inablity to have children or a disease is not disclosed). But I would think you could really extend that to any union that is dissolving - if you can't get along you are not marrying who you thought you were! She also seemed to suggest that sometimes it comes down to the parish priest as to whether he will annul a union or whether is has to be a divorce. Seems to grey to me, especially the weight that is placed on it being a prerequisite to being married under Catholic eyes at a future time.

It's always fun to debate such topics with such a regimented advocate of an archaic tradition.

We did have dinner at a great restaurant if you are ever up Peterborough way - Ward Street Grill in Bridgenorth (by the LCBO)- in the summer they have a patio.

This one's for the dogs.....

The Canadian Dream

Have you ever heard someone say 'when we retire we'll live on a hobby farm outside the city, and renovate an old farmhouse... we'll have a horse, goat, a couple of chickens and an apple tree'.

It may not be for everyone but I know my parents talked about it a lot, they have their health and the means so I'm not sure what deterred them.

Anyway, kudos to a pair of friends I have who have done exactly that - and in their working years, while they raise children. A very secluded, traditional small farm where land is worked by a neighbour and they have accumulated 2 horses, a pony, a goat (Millie, she wanders the property and never leaves) rabbits, cats and a "used" dog named Dallas. A stray house kitten just joined the mix - she's orange and her name is Daisy.

It's always a breath of fresh air to visit there, not that there's no action, just that the pace of life is different somehow - everything slows down to something that is managable and more meaningful. There are still all the modern conviences of phone, TV, internet, but there is always something else to do. Caring for a host of animals would seem to me like having a family of 10 kids but it's such a part of the routine that it doesn't seem overwhelming.

It's nice to have friends in such different surroundings - it really broadens your appreciation of life.

SilkyHair

I have to say, I wasn't sure at first about this solid shampoo from Lush Cosmetics...but WOW! Really the best thing going. Can't believe how much it lathers and how little you really use each time. If you haven't, you definately need to try it.

Solid shampoo doesn't need preservatives (no water to go off), it minimizes the need for packaging and it lasts for ages - keep them dry between washes and you’ll be bored with them before they run out. Whenever we can, we turn our products solid. Making a solid conditioner and putting in our Shampoo Bars has been a fantastic success. You can take just one bar on holidays and you can wash your body and clothes with it too! It makes us very happy to use less preservatives and packaging; we hope you'll be equally delighted with the effects our solid hair care products have on your heads. Choose two for the effect on your hair and get yourself a free tin. http://ca.lush.com

Unfortunately, what I needed on Saturday was not shampoo but a hangover remedy. Too many lychee martinis with the girls from Mississauga. It took me most of the day to recover, then I went to this Chinese New Year gala with Kerri and the girls from work. A really neat cultural event.

Ahhh, rest and recouperation

Yesterday was a very long and physically exhausting day - though unlike most long days at work it was completely fulfilling. The spinning fundraiser I was part of raised $60,000 for the hospital I work for. In one day, first time event! I did bike for an hour and met an instructor who was biking for a friend who died at an early age from heart disease, what a great reason. The rest of the day was spent organizing registration and collecting and counting pledges. I'll tell you, that beer at 9pm felt like nector from the gods, even though it was a Blue! I was ready to fall over at that point, I had arrived at 7am. Sleep felt wonderful.

Bought it

Finally made up my mind, shiny new Ford Escape in the driveway. Yes, knowing someone at the dealership made a world of difference. Heated seats sure are a luxury in this weather and I know i will love my sunroof in the summer.... none of these options were in my price range on the other vehicle I was considering (Saturn). So goodbye to my VUE fantasy and hello to my northamerican, lots of bells and whistles ESCAPE.

Off to feast and drink with the Laurier crowd tonight - I'll have one for you.

Another thing to do with a 'ricer'

Disconverted another ingenious thing t do with a potato ricer - whole lotta gelato used it to make gelato into stringy yummy dessert - white chocolate strings (looked like a nest of angel hair pasta) with brandied black cherries and white chocolate shavings. MMmmmmmmmm!

Oz was fun, less food than last year. My uncle was there as one of the wine vendors - he's with Stonechurch now. Wildecraft was there - very similar fare as last year served by charcoal.

What to wear to Oz

So here I am, awake in the middle of the night because I am thinking of what to wear to a wine gala event tonight - The Emerald City. I saw a great 'tin man' retro T at a store the other day but the event is business-formal. I have a real lack of anything green in my wardrobe so my most recent thought is to raid a Red Hat lady's closet (don't know any) or find some cheap red slippers/shoes before tomorrow eve.

The magical shoes, changed from the book's silver slippers to those with an iridescent red hue, were created by Gilbert Adrian, MGM Studios’s chief costume designer, and played a central role in the film. Dorothy obtained them from Glinda, the Good Witch of the North, and kept them from the Wicked Witch of the West in order to get home. Several pairs of slippers were made for the movie, a common practice with important costumes and props; this pair was worn by Garland in dance scenes. The felt on the soles muffled her dancing footsteps on the yellow brick road. http://americanhistory.si.edu/news/factsheet.cfm?key=30&newskey=4

Still haven't determined a car either, it's between a Ford Escape and a Saturn Vue, but I must decide soon cause my Dad would likely appreciate the return of his car.

Back to bed (where it's warm) to stare at the ceiling and mull it over some more.

Mmm...great tea and good news

Wow, my friend was spot on about the wonderful flavour of a certain brand of chai loose leaf tea, brewed some last night just before bed and drank every last drop.

Got some good news from a far, my west coast pal sent an email to say that her cancer diagnosis is once again looking positive, no recent signs. SHe can go until April for another check up.

Had my first appointment to look into my 'lack of a miracle', they sent me for blood work and an ultrasound and gave my husband some homework. They also said see you in April. Very strange meeting a doctor for the very first time with nothing but a paper sheet covering your lower half.

Differences in opinion

Marriage is certainly not without its challenges...very infuriating at times. I really hate when I get to the point that I am doing the weigh scales of pros and cons in my head, sometimes I wonder if this is normal. I feel like a traitor when this happens and I suppose these are the kind of thoughts that may lead some people to start the cheating process, istead it just boils up inside until I think I have found a solution that will make me less annoyed or angry, or until I realize I am being petty or unreasonable. SOmetyimes this leads me to prayer, figuring there must be some entitiy out there who understads all this better than I. But my complaints are usually the same, and may seem very insignificant to most. I know he loves me more than life itself, but I wonder if sometimes he loves me more like a companion or a best friend than an object of passion or as an equal; he so often reminds me of a faithful puppy, yet at other times I believe we are perfectly matched. How can the same relationship change so much from day to day?

Decisions

Can you imagine 4 girls actually came to a decision about a bridesmaid dress in under 2 hrs? Quite remarkable. Black, long, with some embroidered detailing -we must have tried on 60 possibilities. We even found shoes, some kind of record - all for my neice's wedding coming up this June.

Inevitable

Kinda like death and taxes, at some point a car will just give up and die, or cost such a crazy amount to fix that you would rather let it go. We are at that crossroads today. Lease, buy, can we afford either, and if so, WHICH vehicle? There certainly is no shortage of choice. I'm really drawn to an SUV, does that make me a wanna-be 'soccer mom' or a bad person environmentally? I like driving up higher than a car and I like being able to tote things around - I do so often for my work. I don't really like the look of a van (maybe this is vain) and those sliding doors really annoy me (think i got my fingers jammed in one once). Trucks are great, and useful, but bloody expensive. A smallish vehicle is better on gas and great on parking. We thought about test driving tonight but it is mostly a blizzard out there. Guess it would be a good test but do we really want to be tramping around a car lot?

Mind like a seive

I think there must be a gene missing among male DNA that pertains to memory. No amount of reminding, writing down, recording, telling or discussing seems to register events and appointments in my husband's brain. Sometimes it is even stuff HE planned and told me about at an earlier date. Not that I enjoy and organized life, truth be told I am quite open to change and last minute plans, but isn't it just part of being a grown person - to show up when others expect us? And to make plans ahead, there are some things I wonder if we would ever do or accomplish if men were left to arrange things...phones would never be installed (okay, maybe satellite TV would), gifts would never be bought, weddings never attended and forget vacations and travel plans entirely. Maybe this is just a feature (or oversight) in the DNA of MY man, but speaking to others it is a more common issue than not.

So, I have an appointment with a specialist next week to see if there might be some obstacles to the miracle I am hoping to acheive. I'm kind of nervous to divulge my personal habits and intimate practices to a complete stranger, even if he is a physician. Some firends tell me I should get used to it because it only gets more intrusive and personal from here on in. The good and bad news is that I've never had any of the false hopes that somee people experience - but in 11 years of marriage that also makes me wonder if there might be a reason. Hopefully waiting an extra long time will mean that my first glimmer of hope comes to fruition. Yes, waiting has allowed me to further my career, experience much, get closer to my spouse, enjoy my friends' children and treasure my neices and nephews...but it also has opened my eyes to all I feel I am missing out on. I feel it's a really touchy subject with some pals, I hate to bother them with my dilemma if they are dealing with greater beasts or have greater challenges to overcome than this, but to me, in my life, right now...this consumes me. We talk a lot about it now as a couple, both hoping for the best, discussing baby names and parenting we witness, but he's not nearly as impatient as I am. There is a real "ticking clock" phenomenem, this is not a figment - mine ticks to loudly it sometimes gives me a headache. Anger too, comes to the surface, with each mother I see who does not fully appreciate her child or whines about an unwelcome change in lifestyle.

Useless Peices of Junk - but necessary living as we do

Finally have my car back on the road, ridiculous windshield wiper problem left me stationary for a few days. Good thing I have friends and family willing to drive my but around or lend me thier car for a while. Makes me wonder about places that really don't rely on cars, I guess things must have to be closer together. Space is wonderful but really wasteful in a way - all that energy and time spent getting from one point to another, just to turn around and go back home again. REALLY makes me think about wanting to move farther into the country. But you see, I like quiet... and even as I type i can hear the trains moving back and forth a few blocks away, neighbours' cars running and dogs barking. Not a din of noise, just enough to interupt your train of thought and make you forget what you were typing...

Frivolous Excess

Good food, actually great food at an Indonesian restaurant with friends. Funny how we may drive past something several hundred times and never actually partake of its goodness. A quiet gem of a restarant that has been in the same spot as long as I remember, yet tonight is the first time I went there - it was incredible. Much better than a steady diet of cottage cheese :) - then again who really eats that stuff anyway. Sometimes..but I find I often throw it out when I do buy it.

Dancing and a not bad 'zen' martini at a bar that is always interesting. Even the cab driver was in good spirits.

So we won't become Fred Astaire

No alternative packages, just the whole sha-bang or not at all. We'll have to find another outlet to move our feet. Maybe an instructional DVD or such.

No update on the cat - tonight it's -12'C and i'm really worried she might get frostbite...I saw paw prints again today, not sure that it's her.

One of my friends on the west coast thinks her cancer may not quite be in the remission they anticipated. I think of her often. So much happens in my life that I find hard to handle, I can't begin to imagine how she does all that and more, and still keeps it together the best she can.

Put on your Dancing Shoes

Tonight we have our final session of ballroom dancing, we signed up for 5. We are having an absolute blast (who knew) and learning a little as we go. Tonight they will want us to sign up for a whole package of sessions, something crazy like $3000... not in my budget. We'll see if there are any other options. We really like our instructor, hope we can continue in some form. It's rare we find something active to do together that we like.

Missing Kitty

She's been out there over a week now, in the cold and wet and today, snow. I have at least seen here this weekend, that makes me feel a little better, I still feel like a terrible mom. Even with 3 the house is too quiet, I try to give them all a little more attention, so they all know I don't take them for granted. I hope she comes home soon.

Just one small miracle...

That's all I'm looking for. It's been over 2 years and nothing. Fertility was supposed to be self-evident in both our families, it's very frustrating. I never had many grand plans for my life by 30, but I certainly thought I would be starting to raise a family and facing all the challenges that come with it. Instead, I've had the chance to 'raise' a few delinquent teenagers that were too far damaged when I got hold of them - who knows if anything we tried to instill really sunk in. Too early to tell. Now my husband is resistant to getting tests done, and time ticks on. Yes, things happen for a reason, and sometimes not on our schedule, but sometimes you also have to help things along. I know very few couples who have had success lately on just fate alone.

Another Episode

I'm almost positive my husband has a form of epilepsy - very scary. What's worse is that no doctor has been able to explain or diagnose it. Last week was the most recent of his tonic-clonic/'grand mal' seizures. He only has one (or 2 in succession) every 8 months or so. Every test he has had, CT, MRI, EEG, EKG has all been completely normal. We went to a neurologist once, she made him do some weird exercises and pronounced him fine...then charged us over $200 for her 10 minutes. Almost every seizure has happened while he was sleeping, all except one. We used to think it was related to dehydration, sunstroke or a prior medical issue that was depriving him of sleep - not so. I don't know how to proceed, he is terrified that any further investigation will lead to them pulling his license for good. Yes, it terrifies him and me that it could happen on the road - but currently his job depends on it. I feel like the medical system has let us down by giving up. I work in a medical environment, I feel like I should do something, but I don't know what.

Success, and it's not even midnight

So, here we are. Just my thoughts and a few million people. My fingers are almost trembling. I used to journal whenever significant things stuck me, though usually when my life was in turmoil. It is like a kind of therapy..I'm hoping this will become that, and something even more. Hopefully an insight into happy times as well.