Mmm...great tea and good news

Wow, my friend was spot on about the wonderful flavour of a certain brand of chai loose leaf tea, brewed some last night just before bed and drank every last drop.

Got some good news from a far, my west coast pal sent an email to say that her cancer diagnosis is once again looking positive, no recent signs. SHe can go until April for another check up.

Had my first appointment to look into my 'lack of a miracle', they sent me for blood work and an ultrasound and gave my husband some homework. They also said see you in April. Very strange meeting a doctor for the very first time with nothing but a paper sheet covering your lower half.

Differences in opinion

Marriage is certainly not without its challenges...very infuriating at times. I really hate when I get to the point that I am doing the weigh scales of pros and cons in my head, sometimes I wonder if this is normal. I feel like a traitor when this happens and I suppose these are the kind of thoughts that may lead some people to start the cheating process, istead it just boils up inside until I think I have found a solution that will make me less annoyed or angry, or until I realize I am being petty or unreasonable. SOmetyimes this leads me to prayer, figuring there must be some entitiy out there who understads all this better than I. But my complaints are usually the same, and may seem very insignificant to most. I know he loves me more than life itself, but I wonder if sometimes he loves me more like a companion or a best friend than an object of passion or as an equal; he so often reminds me of a faithful puppy, yet at other times I believe we are perfectly matched. How can the same relationship change so much from day to day?

Decisions

Can you imagine 4 girls actually came to a decision about a bridesmaid dress in under 2 hrs? Quite remarkable. Black, long, with some embroidered detailing -we must have tried on 60 possibilities. We even found shoes, some kind of record - all for my neice's wedding coming up this June.

Inevitable

Kinda like death and taxes, at some point a car will just give up and die, or cost such a crazy amount to fix that you would rather let it go. We are at that crossroads today. Lease, buy, can we afford either, and if so, WHICH vehicle? There certainly is no shortage of choice. I'm really drawn to an SUV, does that make me a wanna-be 'soccer mom' or a bad person environmentally? I like driving up higher than a car and I like being able to tote things around - I do so often for my work. I don't really like the look of a van (maybe this is vain) and those sliding doors really annoy me (think i got my fingers jammed in one once). Trucks are great, and useful, but bloody expensive. A smallish vehicle is better on gas and great on parking. We thought about test driving tonight but it is mostly a blizzard out there. Guess it would be a good test but do we really want to be tramping around a car lot?

Mind like a seive

I think there must be a gene missing among male DNA that pertains to memory. No amount of reminding, writing down, recording, telling or discussing seems to register events and appointments in my husband's brain. Sometimes it is even stuff HE planned and told me about at an earlier date. Not that I enjoy and organized life, truth be told I am quite open to change and last minute plans, but isn't it just part of being a grown person - to show up when others expect us? And to make plans ahead, there are some things I wonder if we would ever do or accomplish if men were left to arrange things...phones would never be installed (okay, maybe satellite TV would), gifts would never be bought, weddings never attended and forget vacations and travel plans entirely. Maybe this is just a feature (or oversight) in the DNA of MY man, but speaking to others it is a more common issue than not.

So, I have an appointment with a specialist next week to see if there might be some obstacles to the miracle I am hoping to acheive. I'm kind of nervous to divulge my personal habits and intimate practices to a complete stranger, even if he is a physician. Some firends tell me I should get used to it because it only gets more intrusive and personal from here on in. The good and bad news is that I've never had any of the false hopes that somee people experience - but in 11 years of marriage that also makes me wonder if there might be a reason. Hopefully waiting an extra long time will mean that my first glimmer of hope comes to fruition. Yes, waiting has allowed me to further my career, experience much, get closer to my spouse, enjoy my friends' children and treasure my neices and nephews...but it also has opened my eyes to all I feel I am missing out on. I feel it's a really touchy subject with some pals, I hate to bother them with my dilemma if they are dealing with greater beasts or have greater challenges to overcome than this, but to me, in my life, right now...this consumes me. We talk a lot about it now as a couple, both hoping for the best, discussing baby names and parenting we witness, but he's not nearly as impatient as I am. There is a real "ticking clock" phenomenem, this is not a figment - mine ticks to loudly it sometimes gives me a headache. Anger too, comes to the surface, with each mother I see who does not fully appreciate her child or whines about an unwelcome change in lifestyle.

Useless Peices of Junk - but necessary living as we do

Finally have my car back on the road, ridiculous windshield wiper problem left me stationary for a few days. Good thing I have friends and family willing to drive my but around or lend me thier car for a while. Makes me wonder about places that really don't rely on cars, I guess things must have to be closer together. Space is wonderful but really wasteful in a way - all that energy and time spent getting from one point to another, just to turn around and go back home again. REALLY makes me think about wanting to move farther into the country. But you see, I like quiet... and even as I type i can hear the trains moving back and forth a few blocks away, neighbours' cars running and dogs barking. Not a din of noise, just enough to interupt your train of thought and make you forget what you were typing...

Frivolous Excess

Good food, actually great food at an Indonesian restaurant with friends. Funny how we may drive past something several hundred times and never actually partake of its goodness. A quiet gem of a restarant that has been in the same spot as long as I remember, yet tonight is the first time I went there - it was incredible. Much better than a steady diet of cottage cheese :) - then again who really eats that stuff anyway. Sometimes..but I find I often throw it out when I do buy it.

Dancing and a not bad 'zen' martini at a bar that is always interesting. Even the cab driver was in good spirits.

So we won't become Fred Astaire

No alternative packages, just the whole sha-bang or not at all. We'll have to find another outlet to move our feet. Maybe an instructional DVD or such.

No update on the cat - tonight it's -12'C and i'm really worried she might get frostbite...I saw paw prints again today, not sure that it's her.

One of my friends on the west coast thinks her cancer may not quite be in the remission they anticipated. I think of her often. So much happens in my life that I find hard to handle, I can't begin to imagine how she does all that and more, and still keeps it together the best she can.

Put on your Dancing Shoes

Tonight we have our final session of ballroom dancing, we signed up for 5. We are having an absolute blast (who knew) and learning a little as we go. Tonight they will want us to sign up for a whole package of sessions, something crazy like $3000... not in my budget. We'll see if there are any other options. We really like our instructor, hope we can continue in some form. It's rare we find something active to do together that we like.

Missing Kitty

She's been out there over a week now, in the cold and wet and today, snow. I have at least seen here this weekend, that makes me feel a little better, I still feel like a terrible mom. Even with 3 the house is too quiet, I try to give them all a little more attention, so they all know I don't take them for granted. I hope she comes home soon.

Just one small miracle...

That's all I'm looking for. It's been over 2 years and nothing. Fertility was supposed to be self-evident in both our families, it's very frustrating. I never had many grand plans for my life by 30, but I certainly thought I would be starting to raise a family and facing all the challenges that come with it. Instead, I've had the chance to 'raise' a few delinquent teenagers that were too far damaged when I got hold of them - who knows if anything we tried to instill really sunk in. Too early to tell. Now my husband is resistant to getting tests done, and time ticks on. Yes, things happen for a reason, and sometimes not on our schedule, but sometimes you also have to help things along. I know very few couples who have had success lately on just fate alone.

Another Episode

I'm almost positive my husband has a form of epilepsy - very scary. What's worse is that no doctor has been able to explain or diagnose it. Last week was the most recent of his tonic-clonic/'grand mal' seizures. He only has one (or 2 in succession) every 8 months or so. Every test he has had, CT, MRI, EEG, EKG has all been completely normal. We went to a neurologist once, she made him do some weird exercises and pronounced him fine...then charged us over $200 for her 10 minutes. Almost every seizure has happened while he was sleeping, all except one. We used to think it was related to dehydration, sunstroke or a prior medical issue that was depriving him of sleep - not so. I don't know how to proceed, he is terrified that any further investigation will lead to them pulling his license for good. Yes, it terrifies him and me that it could happen on the road - but currently his job depends on it. I feel like the medical system has let us down by giving up. I work in a medical environment, I feel like I should do something, but I don't know what.

Success, and it's not even midnight

So, here we are. Just my thoughts and a few million people. My fingers are almost trembling. I used to journal whenever significant things stuck me, though usually when my life was in turmoil. It is like a kind of therapy..I'm hoping this will become that, and something even more. Hopefully an insight into happy times as well.