The boundaries of friendship and forgiveness

I dreamed last night of a person who has not been in our lives for about a year now. A friend of my husband's showed up out of the blue after a few years of no contact and came a fairly permanent feature for a few months. He even brought his girlfriend to town and eventually moved into our neighbour's basement apartment when his other option fell through. We vouched for him - having known him for over a decade, besides, the guy is smart and well educated with a few years more experience than us.

Things were a little tense with our neighbour from the beginning - soon after moving into the apartment with thier big dog, they adopted several ferel cats. They certainly were not tidy folks and they started getting behind on payment. We saw less of them, they seemed to be busy working and such.

One day they up and disappeared. We heard that his mother suffered a sudden heart attack in London. Strange thing was, they both went and took all the animals with them. Never to be seen again. Our neighbour as thier landlord tried to contact them for what they owed and to come retrieve thier personal things. Any successful contact soon evaporated. I can understand if they didn't have the $ or were greiving, but she is a reasonable, compassionate individual (a nurse) and I know if they had the desire they could have come to an agreement.

Weeks passed and my husband was unable to let go of the hopes that his friend would somehow resurface. He bagged up thier clothing and computer and all of it is in our attic. Waiting. Still. He spent a whole day hauling the filth that was the way they left the place out to the curb, and our neighbour had already spent a lot of time cleaning when they first left. I felt awful, and so angry. What kind of person does this - puts a friend in this postition who had saved thier ass from sleeping on the street? What kind of person is so transient that they walk away from all thier belongings just to avoid conflict? Only divorces seem to warrant this kind of behaviour!

We have never heard from him since. The kicker of the story is that a few months later another friend of my husbands, a bachelor who had walked away from his own apartment in a similar fashion and was living on our couch, moved into my neighbour's same apartment. This time she offered and I washed my hands of all consequence. I was elated to have this guy on someone's couch that wasn't mine and he did have a good job, but he had been staying under false pretenses (at least to me) that our house was only a temporary arrangement -meanwhile he had no place else to go. Anyway I think it has worked out okay, my neighbour has a handyman whenever she needs one.

It's hard to imagine not having any family to go to when in need - I guess I am fortunate. At the same time you would think the value of a good friend would motivate you to act in such a way not to damage the relationship entirely. I am sure that someday he will show up again, and after a few beers it will all be water under the bridge- unless my neighbour catches wind of them.

This post was prompted by a dream I had last night - we had been invited to thier party?stag? and I popped in to say that my husband wasn't likely to come after all that had gone down. They were tearful and apologetic citing $ and grief and other issues. I was angry and I all but yelled at them - all the while thinking, how far can I go and does it matter? I think we all ended up having dinner in the end.

The Cook's Garden edited by Liz Primeau

This beautifully photographed book features 100+ recipes for cooking what you grow in your home garden. Divided into seasons to showcase optimal taste, it also contains expert growing advice from Canadian Gardening Magazine. For a refreshing spring treat, please try the Rhubarb & Ginger Cordial on page 34. Softcover, 215 pp. $29.95. I bought mine from Amazon.com

Murphy's Law

Took my new car in for its first service today. The CD player in it hasn't worked since the day it arrived - so I thought - I must have tried 10 different CDs over several days and kept getting "load error". I gave up.
Of course I take it in today and the guy successfully loads and plays the very first CD he picks from my case. ARRRRWWWWWGHHHHHHHH!
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Someone I know just announced thier "news" today about thier own little miracle. I was surprised that I actually felt so much genuine excitment for them, at least for a few seconds before the self pity crept under my skin slowly. It is not thier first child, though they have lost a little soul in attempts of this one. I suppose someday when I am on my second or third I will be judged the same way by others who are still without. It's tough - there's always someone on either end of the spectrum. Good news is that we've had some fun "practicing" lately and with the warm weather I am apprecaiting the time to putter outdoors and have a drink in hand while relaxing on the deck. There are worse things. :)

Eulogy: Revealing of a Living Soul

It's really quite unfortunate that you have to attend one's funeral to truly gain insight into a person's life on earth. Mostly for those who would be termed peripheral friends - you have contact with them infrequently over several years, always respecting them and knowing that they have impacted many others but when it comes right down to it your paths never cross for long enough for you to truly get to know one another.

Such was the case for a gentleman who's funeral I attended today. A pillar to his children, grandchildren and church community. Someone with wit, patience, drive and who loved camping trips. A long life, 78, and a short battle with cancer, but someone I volunteered with for about 18 months and never had the chance to have a meaningful conversation with. I only knew him 'well' through hearing how his actions impacted others. A beautiful funeral, if there is one, pack to the brim with friends and such - he helped to build the very church his service was in with his bare hands. Leaves a wife of 53 years whom seemed to be his best friend. Flute, piano, trumpet, choir and his son (prerecorded) singing. Very moving. Makes things that we do each day seem trivial and somehow more important, all at the same time.

This one's for you, D. M.

Poked and prodded

Done the last of the tests (for me) to discover if my body is "miracle receptive" - I find out the results next month. Very strange experience, a vibrator-like object inserted that takes pictures (kinda cool). I have been told I have 'great looking tubes', have to say that is definately a first since I don't normally hang out in the x-ray room. The finally step is to have my hubby do his part in all this testing -I offerred to help ;) if that makes it less wierd. The fact that it needs to occur on a weekday is a bit of a glitch, most people actually work. I don't know what you would really tell your boss...perhaps a personal day?!?

I started growing seeds indoors again this year, a big commitment, I know. And not like I have oodles of space to plant my wares - I suppose some of the vegetables may have to overtake the flowerbeds this time. I hope to have learned something about calculating and planning since last time... I actually got out the calendar and mapped out my 'days to maturity' and when to plant outdoors in cycles, etc. Rigged up some flourescent lighting to my mini greenhouse - on a timer even! I really want to prove that you can get hardy plants from a fairly amatuer process. I have geraniums, eggplant and impatiens that have all spouted so far. Too bad that is the easy part.

Sisterly Conversation

Funny how a conversation on summer vacation quickly moves into a religious discussion about the Catholic belief about not re-marrying after a divorce.

My three sisters and I spent the weekend at a cottage near Lakefield, ON as we have tried to do each year for the last 4 (except last year due to one of us having surgery). An interesting mix of life stages, I am the youngest at 31 and the eldest is 51. Three married, one divorced - Two Mennonite faith, one similar from a unique church and one Catholic. Two with children, Two without. Quite a collection of opinions all raised under the same roof.

I am quite disillusioned about the whole Catholic idea about an annulled marriage. The way my sister explained it to me was a viable option to anyone who felt they were wed under false assumptions (usually in cases where the other person is still married to someone else, where abuse occurs, or the inablity to have children or a disease is not disclosed). But I would think you could really extend that to any union that is dissolving - if you can't get along you are not marrying who you thought you were! She also seemed to suggest that sometimes it comes down to the parish priest as to whether he will annul a union or whether is has to be a divorce. Seems to grey to me, especially the weight that is placed on it being a prerequisite to being married under Catholic eyes at a future time.

It's always fun to debate such topics with such a regimented advocate of an archaic tradition.

We did have dinner at a great restaurant if you are ever up Peterborough way - Ward Street Grill in Bridgenorth (by the LCBO)- in the summer they have a patio.

This one's for the dogs.....

The Canadian Dream

Have you ever heard someone say 'when we retire we'll live on a hobby farm outside the city, and renovate an old farmhouse... we'll have a horse, goat, a couple of chickens and an apple tree'.

It may not be for everyone but I know my parents talked about it a lot, they have their health and the means so I'm not sure what deterred them.

Anyway, kudos to a pair of friends I have who have done exactly that - and in their working years, while they raise children. A very secluded, traditional small farm where land is worked by a neighbour and they have accumulated 2 horses, a pony, a goat (Millie, she wanders the property and never leaves) rabbits, cats and a "used" dog named Dallas. A stray house kitten just joined the mix - she's orange and her name is Daisy.

It's always a breath of fresh air to visit there, not that there's no action, just that the pace of life is different somehow - everything slows down to something that is managable and more meaningful. There are still all the modern conviences of phone, TV, internet, but there is always something else to do. Caring for a host of animals would seem to me like having a family of 10 kids but it's such a part of the routine that it doesn't seem overwhelming.

It's nice to have friends in such different surroundings - it really broadens your appreciation of life.

SilkyHair

I have to say, I wasn't sure at first about this solid shampoo from Lush Cosmetics...but WOW! Really the best thing going. Can't believe how much it lathers and how little you really use each time. If you haven't, you definately need to try it.

Solid shampoo doesn't need preservatives (no water to go off), it minimizes the need for packaging and it lasts for ages - keep them dry between washes and you’ll be bored with them before they run out. Whenever we can, we turn our products solid. Making a solid conditioner and putting in our Shampoo Bars has been a fantastic success. You can take just one bar on holidays and you can wash your body and clothes with it too! It makes us very happy to use less preservatives and packaging; we hope you'll be equally delighted with the effects our solid hair care products have on your heads. Choose two for the effect on your hair and get yourself a free tin. http://ca.lush.com

Unfortunately, what I needed on Saturday was not shampoo but a hangover remedy. Too many lychee martinis with the girls from Mississauga. It took me most of the day to recover, then I went to this Chinese New Year gala with Kerri and the girls from work. A really neat cultural event.